November 1, 2010

The Comfort of Tolstoy

Posted in Books, Family, Health, Women tagged , , , , , , , , at 6:49 am by Liliana

Leo Tolstoy

Leo Tolstoy

I am not sure when I read my first book by Tolstoy, but I know this – he was in my life long before I was born.

Tolstoy was my mother’s favorite writer.

We had old, worn out, hard cover copies of his books sitting on our bookshelf. I don’t know where they came from, maybe my mother’s schoolgirl days.

Each book was divided into a number of volumes. The books were bound in soft, stained red leather. The paper inside was fleecy white and had a distinctive dusty, book-y smell.

The feel and the smell of those books has been imprinted on my consciousness forever.

And the characters and the stories? They live with me every day.

I named my daughter Natalia (nicknamed Nena) after Natasha Rostova in War and Peace. Sam’s middle name is Leo (Tolstoy’s first name.)

Both my mother and I reread all of Tolstoy’s books many times during our lives. We talked about them again and again. We changed our minds about different characters and interpreted events and relationships in contrasting ways. Tolstoy gave us the vocabulary to discuss themes and subjects that we might not have had the courage to discuss otherwise.

As my mother grew sicker from Alzheimer’s Disease, she grew fearful and suspicious of the world around her and all its inhabitants. She slept less and less. Nothing seemed to follow the rules of behavior that her reshaping mind dictated.

Except for Tolstoy.

In the last year of her life she could not read. She hardly slept. She did not know who any of us were. She had lost most of her connections to the outside world.

But many nights, Jeff and I found her lying on the living room sofa tightly holding on to one of the volumes of the soft, worn out copy of War and Peace. She pretended to read.

Sometimes she held the book upside down.

When none of us could bring her comfort, Tolstoy did. Not with direct words anymore, but with the deeply ingrained memories and shadows of the world he created. Of the girl and woman that she once was. It was the one stable, unmoving constant in a life rapidly degenerating out of control.

My mother held on to that book until she died.

May 8, 2010

My Mother’s Birthday

Posted in Children, Family, Women tagged , at 9:06 am by Liliana

My mother as a young woman

My mother as a young woman

May 8th is my mother’s birthday. It has always been a very special day for my sister and me.

Happy birthday, dear angel! From you I have learned how to be a mother.

March 3, 2010

Mothers are Strong

Posted in Children, Family, Travel, Women tagged , , , , , , , at 8:10 am by Liliana

Mother and Child

Mother and Child

I have always looked at my role as a mother as one of mentor and guide. From the moment my  first child was born, I was in awe of the honor and responsibility bestowed upon me. I wanted to be worthy of the mission that I was entrusted with.

I have not been a perfect mother, far from it.  There are many, many moments that I look back upon and wish I had acted differently, more maturely, with greater patience and deliberation. But one thing I know – my love for each one of my children is limitless, and my loyalty to them equally beyond measure.

The most difficult part of motherhood, for me, is letting go and allowing my children the freedom to make their own mistakes, to experience their own pain. My instinct is to hide them from the harshness of the world, to cherish and protect them.

Mothering for me means forever balancing on that beam of protectiveness and championing. I do the best I can. I encourage my children to travel. I gently push them out of the nest. I trust them to do what is right and good.

Still, I worry. Mike is in Argentina now, far away from my reach. He is about to travel to Chile, which is still reeling from the recent huge earthquake. Just before they left on their trip to South America, Mike’s girlfriend, Karen, and I talked about traveling children and worrying mothers. I told her then what I have always believed. It is the nature of youth to be fearless and to want to explore. And it is the nature of mothers to worry. And I also said – mothers are strong. We can handle it.

January 28, 2010

Story of a Haitian mother

Posted in Children, Earthquakes, Food, Haiti, News, Women tagged at 8:22 am by Liliana

Earthquake in Haiti

Earthquake in Haiti

Every day, I read stories about Haiti. I am afraid that if I turn away, the world will turn away, and the people there will be left on their own. And that to me, seems the most cruel fate of all.

I read a story about a mother who didn’t give up on finding her son for close to ten days. She was a poor street vendor and her son was 21 years old and worked as a tailor. After the earthquake, the mother went looking for her son at the building where he worked. The whole structure had collapsed and no one was found alive. Every day the mother went looking around a different area of the building and calling her son’s name. Days passed and relief workers from different countries got used to seeing this woman wonder around the collapsed building, calling and calling.

On the tenth day, somewhere deep in the bowels of collapsed cement, the boy heard his mother’s voice and he called back. She heard him. Joyously shouting, digging with her hands, she called the relief workers to come and help. But they had seen her there, day after day, and thought that she was hearing voices. They left. A team from Israel happened to be coming by, and the mother stopped them, grabbed a man by his hand and made him come with her. She shouted and the boy shouted back. The Israeli called his team and they started digging furiously. After a while they got to the boy. He was so small, so light and dehydrated, he looked like a child. The Israeli lifted the boy into his arms and carried him to his mother.

No one in the world was happier than that woman, and no one felt more fortunate than she. She had lost everything she had, which was not much to begin with; she had lost her city, her house and all her possessions. But her child was alive.

January 19, 2010

Happy birthday, Sam!

Posted in Children, Family tagged , , , at 8:12 am by Liliana

Sam Holtzman

Happy birthday, Sam!

Today is Sam’s birthday.  My youngest son is seventeen years old. I am sure that most parents will sympathize when I write the old cliché that the time since Sam was born has gone by incredibly quickly.

Sam has brought love, sweetness, excitement and adventure into our lives. He has always been a happy, easy-going and fearless child. The first time I took him swimming (when he was about one year old and had just started walking) this is what he did: He backed up to a wall as far as he could go, broke into a run and leaped into the pool of water without an idea of where he was jumping. That has been his approach to life pretty much ever since. His joy in being alive and savoring every moment has taught the rest of us in his family to ease up, to relax and enjoy the moment. It has also taught us to watch out for him, to cherish and to guide him.

I delight in observing Sam’s interpretations of our shared experiences, and I have learned so much from him. Whenever afraid, he faces his fears, and does his best to conquer them. He is the joyous heart of our family and it is impossible to imagine our lives without him. Happy birthday, Sam!